Hawaii

Yesterday I asked master to give me pain as much as he could until I could not handle it anymore and break it takes a lot to make me cry so I did not cry but I felt my heart break over and over and over again..just what I wanted and when I felt like I could not have my heart broken anymore I still continued until I felt like I could not handle it...it hurt...I was so jealous and so hurt...but it felt good to feel hurt to compensate for the hearts I have broken I think master was being easy on me but I wish he did not..I never went easy on my friends I met on cm.I have to stop talking to hawaii he does not like thhe idea of me having owned by master on my profile and when I signed up to be masters slave I said that would be one of the things I did a part of me just wants to delete my profile and continue me and hawaiis friendship I like being his friend I was so lonely late at night when master was always with his friends..hawaii took the lonlieness out of my life he actually liked talking to me..nobody likes talking to me...I think when I put owned by master back on my profile I will cry a lot I will cry so much tears because I will be alone again...master says I will find more friends but I want this friend I like this friend..being with master hurts so much...how many people did I have to hurt to get closer to master?how many times have I found someone to take away the lonliness...in the end all of this will be worth it but what if I dont make it to the end? Does that mean all the hearts I have broken I have broken in vain?