Dark courage!~

Whenever I'm sad I still can't let him know
Whenever it feels like I'm in lots of pain I try to be alone
Master has asked me many many times
Do you want to be a slave?
But it feels he is not asking the correct question
Master should be asking kitty..
"Am I the right master for you'
I ask myself this question often maybe once or twice a day
The answers varies
Do I want to be with this kind of man..
I like master I like him a lot honestly!
But what if I don't want someone that will hurt me so much..
Someone without any regard of me..
Someone...who claims in the future will think more of me..
Doesn't master think about my feelings?
Does my feelings become invalid because I am a slave???
Master says we will be 70% bdsm and 30% oppa..
Will I be happy with a 30% oppa..
Will I be happy not going to movies and going bike riding as dates?
But instead being whipped,chained and gagged
Master said he told some friends about me..
I became so excited I just giggled and laughed yayy..
But then I thought about it again..and its not true
Master is lying somewhere..he is hiding some parts from his friend...
How could I even imagine that master is legit..
To Master I'm a slave that he loves deeply but can't show her..
Somehow just somehow I feel like I'm being picked last for vollyball
As kitty read he only told his friends about me willing to let him fuck others
I should have guesse it why would he even want to tell his friends about me personally :/ I'm not masters style,tate or age.
Everytime Master does this do me.I ask myself how badly do I want to do this?
Bad enough to give up everything for someone like Master...?
Bad enough to be hiden in the dark for 2 more years?
I want to do this so badly! But it seems everytime master makes me cry
I secretly think my want to please master decreeses...
How could he hurt his slave?how could he let others hurt me?
Am I that unimportant to be able to casually get hurt....
When I watch dramas it makes me crave that i have an oppa..
It also makes me wonder what I will do if someone treats me the way my oppa should?
What will I do if someone protects me when I'm hurt?
Hawaii has protected me while we were friends...
He gave more protection that master has
The one feeling I crave the most out of a bdsm relationship I am not getting