Reflections

Going through my older posts today, just for fun!~
Found some interesting things..So I shall write apon it! (Cronological based on months/year!)
(If  anything is in red that means this is my current comments

Nov 2010

Hot Issue

Do you have a bucket list?
I Have a bucket list things I want to do or want to happen to me before I die.

1.Go skydiving/ Rather get implants
2.Have a boy sing a romantic song to me *sighs* CHECK!
3.work for a year or two in the hospital in Africa helping people with obstetric fistula/ Obsteric Fistula Is very VERY important to me, but I feel there is more urgency for women education
4.get married
5.travel the world
6.ride a mechanical bull   Ew..
7.graduate high school
8.do medical research/ I have little to no interest in research 
9.make the BEST chow mein ever
10.go to the hello kitty theme Park
11.go to the hello kitty hotel

Omo, I had a long list of do/do nots for proposals lol now I'm just going to be happy that I actually get one LOL

I need a girl
One that speaks without thinking
Not a little child, but one that will embrace me
Not a girl that plays around sometimes when she’s bored
But one that will only love me
A kind of girl that looks better in jeans than a skirt
A girl that will eat the kimchi fried rice that I make instead
A girl who looks young even though she’s old
A girl that acts shy, but knows how to be boldPretty no matter what she does
A pretty body, too

Don't you think he was singing about me :)

My favoriate song at the time, I actually wanted master to sing me this song soo much <3 <3
Now that I am relistening to the song...It's really NOT about me lol
One who looks better in jeans then a skirt? (Psh..I want to look hot in my micro skirt)
I don't wish to speak without thinking lol only foolish things would come out!~
I don't want a pretty body I want a sexy body..



*kisses mirror*
*Hides behind pillow*
*face palm*

Was I this cute?!?!?

10 Minutes

I always talk about fangirling and my new goal to stop but i decided to show you someREPLICATIONS of masters faces that I love <3 this is NOT master but only a REPLICATION

OMO..Am I blind? Master doesn't look anything like these boys..if this is my version of a "replication" omo..

December 2010

Air

Today someone asked me online what is one word that describees me I thought of many words..fun,creative,intresting,cute,difrent,sexy,curious but I chose the word air I actually strive to become a person like air..
..

I wanna be like the air. The good-hearted person whose kindness overflows and people realize how important she was to them, once she is gone.
I wanna be that kind of person.

This is interesting, I think if I was asked today, I would say fuckmeat. bimbo something along those lines..More and more I'm trying to identify as a fuckmeat..it's a nice simple lifestyle.. 


Master said he is looking for a slave with a chritable good heart
But what is "good"? Is good the person who volunteers and donates blood and gives money to charity? I hate using the word good...good is so un definable..

I'm still asking myself, what is "good" I guess some questions never get answered..


Master told me that I might be focousing too much on him and not enough on my life? 

It's funny how he would tell me not to focous on him so much but now he says I don't focous on him enough..Lets rewind to the past?


Ai





"Stop waiting for little boys to verify wether you are the shit or not bitch if you are the shit you are the mother fucking shit"


Sigh, I STILL love this quote filled or curse words and I should follow it more, don't look for verification just believe your the best




Theres soo many posts I could go back and reflect on!~ 
Go back and have a laugh or two!~
Don't mind the bad grammar xP
I have changed a lot..more then I imagined
like really? My goal in life to be a heart surgeon?
Now I'm like ew...I just want to study women studies...Teach English to women and hopefully find a way to impact the world!~

Breaking

Breaking is a subject that my master talks about constantly, he wishes to break me and turn me into nothing but a fuckmeat. Someone to serve him, and think of nothing but only serving him. After reading blogs, and going on fetlife, I read the lives of those who have been "broken" and it is something that I would be interested in doing, but I also wonder in the authenticity of those who post to become broken. Does broken really exist, is it all just a psychological thing, and what potential long term risks does breaking have? All these questions have not been answered, I  speculate that breaking is not true, although I do believe in the existence of a "subspace" a place where your not quite in reality but also not quite dreaming. Peter Pan would say this would be the area where he shall be waiting. If master breaks me I will gladly accept, because I trust him. If he decides to not break me I also happily accept this choice. I have no strong opinions on breaking, nor do I wish to create a strong opinion. I feel having a strong opinion goes against the purpose of being a fuckmeat. Why should I have a opinion on a matter of my body? Is it really my body? My body belongs to master, and because of that I have no say in yes broken or no I do not wish to be broken. Do I even have a sense of wishing if my master owns me? It is my duty to be the bust fuckmeat I can be, and the first step in being the best is giving all my trust to my master. Losing control of my body, and letting him make the decisions in my life, if I shall  become broken or if not this is not something for me to decide, nor will I attempt to form an opinion on what I feel is the best decision for my master to do with his property.

New

Today I did bad I broke my diet!
I ate chinese food..
and I felt soo much guilty
I broke masters trust in me!
As a slave I shouldn't bend/ break the rules set by my master
this diet is good for my health, but also is going to show master my willpower to fight and perserve through difficulty!
Now when I'm hungry i'm going to embrace the pain..as love for my master
if i can embrace it love it and not try to KILL the pain instantly..then master in return will see my love for him is strong
so for master
for myself
I'm going to do my best to give my best effort!
big plus :) if I do well 5 free days (even christmas! )
so with a new attitude towards weight loss..again..i embark on the journey..YET AGAIN..
But something feels different about this time..
I'm starting new :)

To think upon..

Today, this week..

I hoped..and I wished and in my head I begged master to not go skii..

being with him is hard already, but when he does things that I reallly really really really REALLY want to do..like going snowboarding or skii then I feel this deep saddness..

an empty hole...It's dark there..I have nobody to blame but myself

I haven't spinned in a bit..I don't want to just sad...I just want to sit and do nothing..

Yesterday I cried and cried..but he wasn't there to recieve my tears..

he wasn't there when I wake and sit doing nothing..thinking nothing..just wanting him to NOT go..

please don't go without me..

When I expressed my saddness about it..he only replied i would let you go

and after that I never brought up the topic again..

just hoping he would understand that him going makes me sad VERY SAD

In my head..I thought he would listen to me..listen to my heart!

I'm pretty stupid to think he would pick my happinesss over his brother..

so off he went to skii..

and my heart just sinked..

I gave him my blessing to have fun..

but everything just hurts because he never listened to my saddness...

because he was too busy?

too caught up in his happiness?

to busy caring about others..?

or maybe he just imagines i'm not human now

maybe this is what dehuman feels like

being with someonne who does not care about my emotions..

does not care about my tears..

my happiness...

my fears...

and to think that for the rest of my life as long as I'm with him..

i'm going to feel this saddness..

because he has no concept of my wants..my happiness..

makes me really think is this what i want?

It's not saddness..to live like this forever is a depression

am I going to be dehumanized simply because I'm in such an extreme state of depression?

One where I can't think only just aggree..

because i'm no longer human no longer have a concept of happy and sad..

In the future when I cry..what will become of me?

In the future do  I want to know the answer?

A greedy love is this..so greedy that he simply wishes to have all his dreams wishes hopes come true..at the expense of anothers happiness forever..

Ultimate Fuckmeat

An ultimate fuckmeat understands that it has 2 functions, The first function is to be a good fuckmeat and obey master while the other function is to give the most pleasure to her master! But, the most pleasure isnt something that happens overnight, an ultimate fuckmeat needs to pratice her skills her blowjobs, hand jobs, begging skills..She doen't worship a god, but only a cock masters cock. An ultimate fuckmeat will spread her legs open ready for master if he desires, or on her knees ready to serve masters cock if thats his desire, but she is also able to find other girls who can please master. The ultimate fuckmeat, should let her master be entertained by other girls...The ultimate fuckmeat understands that her  body is ment to be abused, degraded and used by her master, and she should allow master to do those things to her with a smile on her face knowing that she is pleasing her master.  The second is to be the ultimate trophy. The utimate fuckmeat is a trophy, one to be bragged about. The ultimate fuckmeat is not a trophy wife or a trophy girlfriend, but perfers to be addressed by her proper form Ultimate Fuckmeat. Her body has no limits, and at all times the ultimate fuckmeat is showing as much skin as possiable, because master owns her body his property shouln't be kept hidden but rather displayed for the world to see. The ultimate fuckmeat has a Gigantic fake breasts, a thin waist and a large ass. Her mind only thinking about sex and nothing more. The ultimate fuckmeat is a complete whore, a perfect fuckmeat, an excellent cumbucket, an obedient slave, an excellent cuckquean and the ultimate package. I strive to be the ultimate package, the ultimate fuckmeat for my master.