To think upon..

Today, this week..

I hoped..and I wished and in my head I begged master to not go skii..

being with him is hard already, but when he does things that I reallly really really really REALLY want to do..like going snowboarding or skii then I feel this deep saddness..

an empty hole...It's dark there..I have nobody to blame but myself

I haven't spinned in a bit..I don't want to just sad...I just want to sit and do nothing..

Yesterday I cried and cried..but he wasn't there to recieve my tears..

he wasn't there when I wake and sit doing nothing..thinking nothing..just wanting him to NOT go..

please don't go without me..

When I expressed my saddness about it..he only replied i would let you go

and after that I never brought up the topic again..

just hoping he would understand that him going makes me sad VERY SAD

In my head..I thought he would listen to me..listen to my heart!

I'm pretty stupid to think he would pick my happinesss over his brother..

so off he went to skii..

and my heart just sinked..

I gave him my blessing to have fun..

but everything just hurts because he never listened to my saddness...

because he was too busy?

too caught up in his happiness?

to busy caring about others..?

or maybe he just imagines i'm not human now

maybe this is what dehuman feels like

being with someonne who does not care about my emotions..

does not care about my tears..

my happiness...

my fears...

and to think that for the rest of my life as long as I'm with him..

i'm going to feel this saddness..

because he has no concept of my wants..my happiness..

makes me really think is this what i want?

It's not saddness..to live like this forever is a depression

am I going to be dehumanized simply because I'm in such an extreme state of depression?

One where I can't think only just aggree..

because i'm no longer human no longer have a concept of happy and sad..

In the future when I cry..what will become of me?

In the future do  I want to know the answer?

A greedy love is this..so greedy that he simply wishes to have all his dreams wishes hopes come true..at the expense of anothers happiness forever..