To be honest I really miss blogging, it was an outlet.
Me and Master are celebrating our 2 year slave anniversary soon.
To celebrate for the weekend we are trying to plan to have a girl over so he can fuck and I can be his cuckquean whore! I'm not sure if those plans will work out like I wanted, but I hope that everything will go smoothly.
Today, I woke up really hungry, I just wanted to eat breakfast or have a snack before we get lunch. Master told me I'm not allowed to have snacks, not allowed to eat breakfast only two meals I can eat. Lunch and Dinner..At that momment, I felt like the saddest person on the planet, not because I can't eat but because my boyfriend my master..sounds more like my father. I'm not allowed to eat snacks? I can't eat breakfast? I'm hungry so hungry that my stomach hurts and my head is light, and all you can say is snacks are bad...
Do I want to be with this person forever?
Do I want to never be able to eat snacks?
why?
because I'm fat..
because I'm unhealthy..
he keep reminding me that he thinks all these negative things about me..
If I want to eat snacks..I can't with him
If I want breakfeast I cant..
Because I'm fat and it's a GOOD thing if my stomach hurts from being hungry
Today Me and Master had a date day.. but to me I would call it date FAIL We ate good at hooters... but when we went to the movies i SO badly craved popcorn.. because it's one of the aspects of the theaters I LOVE the most the crunchy popcorn sticky buttery hands eating during the scary parts it's my fav part.. it did not have to be a large popcorn because I just ate
but a $3 small popcorn would be fine.. I BEGGED for popcorn please please please..... Even though I know I just ate I made that choice.. I BEGGED..PLEASE.. It's something I really REALLY wanted and in the end..I never got popcorn even though he looked into my sad eyes heard my sad sighs saw me look with my eyes big at others with popcorn.. Why don't I just buy my own popcorn?~!~?!?! Well..I only have $3 in my account.. not enough to buy popcorn or buy myself breakfast earlier.. When we walking out the movie.. I looked at my hand..and thought.. do i WANT to be with master for the rest of my life?
DO I WANT to live my life like this?
He worries about me nonstop he screams at me everyday and sometimes.
.love just getting further away love turns into punishment..
dates turn into sadness..
wishing I could be someone else wishing kitty could be ANOTHER girl who would suffer through these things..
I just want to feel NORMAL at this point..
I DON'T like this feeling
I DON'T want to feel like this..
I DON'T want to feel like this forever
my master feels like my DAD not my boyfriend not my master but my FATHER
someone who I don't like much someone who try's hard..but in the end is lost My master is lost.. in the process of trying to get my healthy has has LOST what slavery is.. has LOST the sparkle that I Had in my eyes.. because now..I don't know It's only popcorn only snacks only breakfast but to me..it represents the larger picture it represents how my life shall be in the future.. without money unable to do anything.. I'm going to be in pain.. going to be hungry going to be sad.. This is what master is trying to show me.. and I don't think I want to feel this forever it's our 2 years soon.. But I hope he understands WHY I'm a slave..WHY hes a master.. It's not about making me cry or making me starve.. not about making me sad.. I just want to feel normal..
I found this online quite fitting..
I am your Master only after earning your trust and I embrace your submissiveness. I have looked into your heart and mind, and clearly see your desires and passions. You have thrown away your desires and passions. You have thrown away your fears and inhibitions. You tell me of the needs of your heart and body. You have given me total access to your soul, and I accept the responsibility and honor. You are a woman. You are not weak or inferior because of it. You are a treasure to be cherished. We are not equal. I have the strength of body and mind and the instinctive need to protect, possess, defend, and provide for you. You are a woman and instinctively stronger of will and heart. Your belief in me gives me courage and direction. Your strength disperses my doubt.
You are sure, strong, and proud in your womanhood. You do not submit as acceptance of inferiority, but from strength and passion. You expect a man to stand strong and be a man. You desire and flourish in the strength and control of a man. In return you present control of your body, unqualified trust and honesty, and the faithfulness of your heart. You submit because I have earned your trust. Because I have opened my heart and soul to you. Because I have listened to your word with my ears and heart and have learned to anticipate your needs and emotions. And because I have proven worthy in your eyes, you have given me the only true treasure of life; you have given me dominance over you. What you give is not abnormal, but pure, natural, and the rarest gift a woman can give a man. You have given me complete and unshakable assurance of your commitment to me. Your submissiveness is a magnificent gift and sacred responsibility. I accept this from you with humility and joy. I understand the rarity and purity of this gift.
I recognize it is your body, mind, and soul. I dominate you only because you have allowed me to, and when I see your body kneel before me in my mind and heart, you are raised above all other women and all the treasures of the earth.
Within the bounds of our relationship…it is my duty to protect you, and that you will know, that under my care; NO harm will come to you as a result of actions taken by Me..or you that is my responsibility, to protect you..from yourself if necessary. What you give freely cannot in reality be bought.
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