TRANNY VS KITTY

Ahh been a long time!~ Actually, I've been super busy Me and my Master I feel are in rocky waters.. He wanted to teach me how to write better..his ideal of a writing assignment is a UNCLEAR poorly written topic with a limited word limit. Then when I ask for extension he says no, I ask for rewritten topic he says nope..only because hes pretending to be a badd ass teacher..like are you supposed to HELP me? or are you supposed to show me that teachers don't give a fuck about you? So i decided..fuck it! I'm not writing shit My master is thinking about becoming a tranny right now he is super serious about it but what I found ironic is his methods.. I haven't been talking to him much because master annoys me since when did my master start to annoy me? I only give him coldness ok,yeha,mm,ok,ok,ok,ok,ok,ok does it matter? does what I say matter? I felt like such an idiot today.. I waited for him to come back from dinner!~ So I decided to shop for birthday gifts.. I want to spend a lot of money this time then I'm shopping and shopping and shopping!~ then yayy I found what I want! then soon master comes back so I'm really yays inside but cold outside and then hes like we need to talk! so naturally I'M EXCITED i can tell him excactly how i feel then like less then 2mins later.. he ditches me to go with a tranny like it was like this- Tranny. Can't talk then suddenly he wants me to support him so he askes me... DON'T I UNDERSTAND HOW IMPORTANT THIS IS TO ME?!? no how the hell am I supposed to know? You havent talked to me since you came to taiwan I stay up all night all day waiting for oyu and you ditch me over and over and over and over again fine your on vacation do whatever the shit you want but I'm done waiting I'm not going to be online anymore I'm sick of this.. even master said about my essay-he MIGHT comment on it you seriously want to put all my fucking heart into a paper and you might comment on how I did? tough ass professor? if I wanted to summarize how I feel about this.. I feel like since master has tranny friends he doesn't need anyone anymore not a kitty nope don't need a kitty? then fine I will find someone who WANTS a kitty how can you even froget about the person who was there since day 1 This is excactly what always happens to me..

Last Post

I really have grown attached to blogging
I have been blogging for about a year?
^__^ sometimes I really like posting
I really enjoyed being with my master
He really is great
I was really fooled though I thought our relationship was based on truths
but, I found out it's based on a lie
just a game..I wish It wasn't like this, I wish it was real..
but, this is my last post.
I broke up with my Master today.
I don't want to be with someone who doesn't care about my feelings.
I don't wantt to be with someone who is so one-sided.
Even Though I am leaving, my heart doesn't want to go.
I keep hoping he will come on gtalk
hoping he will be on fb chat
hoping we can chat!
But, the truth is..I already blocked him on all social media.
He won't be coming to chat, he won't be recieving a goodmorning from me..
because the truth is..it wasn't real
We werent real..
I thought...he was my Oppa
My Friend...
My Master!
but, it wasn't real..he was just playing around the whole time..
real friends, don't stop caring..
real oppas, are always there for you
real Masters, protect you from everything! even yourself
I'm not sure what hurts more?
looking at this blog and all our memories, and thinking damm..it wasnt real
he was just playing a game just pretending..
or thinking that I won't be with him anymore..who's going to write him plane emails? who's going to be his bimbo? who's going to make him happy?
It hurts...it hurts so fucking bad that I don't know what to do..
I've been fooled, and thrown away like garbage..
I wasn't special, he never cared about my emotions..
I foolishly...graduated early in hopes of seeing him..
foolishly believed him..
and I was hurt last night, hurt beyond belief..
when the world just sucks, I always though he would be there
but he's not.. he wasn't
he wasn't in the mood to play the "game"
so he happily fell asleep not once thinking..am I ok?
not once wondering..how I feel..
not once caring
simply because I told him not to care..
really?
when your sad..do you even know what to say?
I did not want to make his day suck..so I wanted to tell him later..
I called him and he hung up on the first ring..I called maybe 5 times?
I texted him but he never replied..
I blogged and I doubt he even read
I messaged him on gtalk...without any responce..
Finally when I call at 1am he says hes sleeping and doesn't care because I told him not to care.


me: ::

Ignoring Kitty...


Sent at 3:04 AM on Tuesday


Conh: im asleep


me: Ok

You just dodged me all day


Sent at 3:09 AM on Tuesday


Conh: i didn't


me: I called 4 times you hung up on first ring every time I sent many message no reply

I sent 3 texts no reply


Conh: you told me specifically not to care

and I'm not here to play games


me: Ok

Your right


Conh: if you want me to care tell me yes


Conh: don't say no and expect me


me: Oo

I get it

Conh: then don't do it again


I'm not going to play games with him anymore
Since he doesn't care about me anymore
I'm leaving
I'm going to be happy with someone else
I'm going to make someoneeleses dreams come true
I'm not going to be a "game" anymore
I'm not going to be just garbage anymore..
I'm going to be someone he only uses..
not once have I ever NOT wrote a plane email.
NOT once have I ever said no to entertainment emails
NOT once have I ever said NO to something he wanted..
is it even fair to treat me like this?
I'm going to be the BEST.
I'm not a game you can play when you feel
I'm not garbage you can just throw away like nothing.
I'm going to be the best doctor, the best slave, the best...
I won't let anyone treat me like a game anymore.
I won't be someone's garbage anymore.
I'm happy for all the support this blog has given me :)
Fighting ^_^

I am so sad today
I'm always hurt
Master stopped caring because I said so
I shouldn't be sad anymore
I will smile and be happy
I.cut so many times
tomorrow its official
I'm sad that its like this
I just need to take care of myself
I'm always being neglected and abused
I just want to go
I'm going back into my depression cycles
I can tell
master is a part of the cycle
I want and fail at everything
I can't match up
Its time to quit
who wants a Kitty who can't feel?

^_^ yayy photos

I am becoming more independent and strong!
My master said, that it is called a lion!
I am strong, independent and bold!
I was given a choice on friday, be meak and hide in the corner or be strong and fight for my rights!
I chose to be strong, while my other friend in the same situation was meakly and weak. I felt sad, I wished she would have stood up for her rights also!
I am becoming strong, that makes me happy.
I feel like, as a person overall I am growing.
I am perservering, working harder and above all learning how to love?
I am so afraid of love!
I know..it wouldn't seem like that?
But, I keep doubting myself..
why would he love a girl like me?
why would he want a fat girl?
a girl who can't write?
a gril who read 10 grammar books?
a girl who isn't his style?
why would he want ME?!?!?!?!
I doubt it so much that inside it destroys me!
I'm used to being with a guy that loves me
but I have never been in a relationship where the love is so special..
I feel bad..
I wish that he didn't fall in love with ME..
I wished he loved someone beautiful
someone skinny
somone with long hair
someone with beautifull eyes, and clear skin
someone that he deserves to be with..
I think I am below his range..
I rate master as a 9 (with long hair) but 8.5 (with short hair)
but, I am only a 4 meh..too below him..
I don't know why he loves me?
but I guess all I can say is thank you?
here is some girls I feel suits him

Really?

*SIGHS*
Master is so unique..
I am so frustrated, so sad, so mad, so confused
I just wanted to talk to my master about my feelings about a new issue that has come up about a car. Then As soon as I start to explain myself he says im going to rest >_>
wooow...
thats great I felt like he did not even care about my feeligns
instantly I felt ashamed, how could I have just written about being his fucktoy if he could so easily not care about me emotionally
fuck it I am not writing shit for him, I put so much energy into the writing, I edited and reedited and then thrased and restarted with many edits and even with the internal dialouge! but fuck that
this is shit, I regret writing
I regret telling him how I feel
just yesterday he got mad because I never tell him stuff
and this is EXCACTLY why I never do I'm scared hes going to brush it off.
I'm not going to tell him my emotions next time, I won't get hurt that way.
I have many regrets now..=/

Me and Master broke up as Girlfriend/Boyfriend only two or three days ago! Less then a week...When we broke up I did not cry but just embraced the new dynamic of our relationship...but that spot is still sensitive to me then today...guess what kitty! I am going to ask elizebeth to be my girlfriend she likes me! I will ask her on christmas eve.. then the memories just came flooding back..christmas eve talking to him and smiling ahhz...I wish I could date him even sending my stupid wish to santa... then christmas day my dreams came true..I was dating him! Those memories..I hold so close to my heart.. even though we already broke...I still keep those memories.. Technically..our aniv was on christmas day.. then when master tells me hes asking elizabeth out it hurt so bad.. like a slap to the face.. did you forget about katie so quickly? did you even love me? how could you move on so quickly.... how could you move on and tell me your dating a fuckky who lives in a diff state.. Thats not fair... you want me to be happy about a "stable" fucky? how stable is someone in a a diff state... am I that stupid? does he only think of hurting me... If he loved her he should have just told me.. if he wanted more fuckys why pick a date he KNOWS holds strong memories for me.. why is he like this? why me?... then when he hurts me the first thing he wants to blame is me.. oh shit..KITTY ITS YOUR FAULT YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND THE DYNAMIC... no master you don't understand your kitty ordering her around looking for the future.. but you never understand your kitty.. always misunderstanding... Master hurt me so much today.. I don't want to talk to him..it's just a game.. Hey ELizabeth, want to hear my ideals of love? It was just a trick.. how could it be a trick.. why does master make me cry so much.. one day I won't fall for his tricks again.. how can he just break up and go out again? how can he just tell me I dont understand the relationship he doesnt even care about my feelings all he cares about is his slave.. but katie has feelings too.. I hate it.. why can't he ever understand... I don't want to talk to him today..heh..."Kitty, your not focused on the relationship" double heart stab...

Wahzzz Broke upz!

To have someone give you control of their body and minds, to be entrusted with the responcability to take care of them, to have someone willing to suffer for you, who forsakes pride and dignity to please you...what other gift in this world can possiably equate to that? And more importantly why do you have the opportunity to be with this slave?

This quote really shows my way of thinking more then anything. I left master on friday we broke up for about four of maybe five hours? I keep thinking about that time, i'm not sure why I keep thinking about it. At the time I felt I was useless, continuing in this relationship is fruitless and will ,only lead to certain unhappiness for my Master. He was far from happy with me, and I was unhappy It went to such an extent I can't believe how unhappy he was...but what really pushed me OVER the edge to break up was master kept saying I was capping his happiness. I wasn't giving up myself to the fullest. The way he said it and kept repeating that he is unhappy just made me think oh wow he does NOT appreciate this relationship at all. Having a slave is a gift, but the thing with this gift is that normal gifts are yours forever. Slaves are not obligated to stay with you forever, I feel I want to be with a Master who treats me as a slave denying me of my rights and using me to the fullest, but I also want to know that at the end of the day my Master appreciates me and he is glad to be with me. That night I felt 1. Master does not love me anymore 2. Master does not appreciate his slave and 3. Master is not happy with the current relationship. Master wishes for me to give up katie things such as expecting him to say jyio and onew singings etc. IDK a part of me feels really sad about having to let go of these things, but whenever I get messages on CM I wonder..Do I have to give up katie for this person? This week I am expirementing with the ideals of giving up Katie and being more kitty, ut increasingly I don't know if I like it? It feels robotic and less personal. Today I got a email with a picture, I said megacute..but Instantly I felt obligated to type sorry. Sorry for caring, sorry for smiling, sorry for loving your picture. Ahzz I don't like being sorry..... I don't like being screamed at for caring I dont understand..how can you dragonz at people who care? how can I just FORGET a part of me? what If I don't want to continue.. what if when I don't want to continue master won't let me go? I don't know what the future holds, but I know by christmas day I will know. Although, Christmas is our aniversary I feel by christmas I will know if i wish to continue in this relationship... Master does not celebrate christmas and he also does not celebrate our Aniver.. so breaking up that day..does he even care? I certinally want to start the year with a clear head. A clear head knowing I am kitty and I belong here.. or a clear head optimistic about the future with another master what the future holds for us is quite unsure, but any choice we make I am sure that we will be happy.