Really?

*SIGHS*
Master is so unique..
I am so frustrated, so sad, so mad, so confused
I just wanted to talk to my master about my feelings about a new issue that has come up about a car. Then As soon as I start to explain myself he says im going to rest >_>
wooow...
thats great I felt like he did not even care about my feeligns
instantly I felt ashamed, how could I have just written about being his fucktoy if he could so easily not care about me emotionally
fuck it I am not writing shit for him, I put so much energy into the writing, I edited and reedited and then thrased and restarted with many edits and even with the internal dialouge! but fuck that
this is shit, I regret writing
I regret telling him how I feel
just yesterday he got mad because I never tell him stuff
and this is EXCACTLY why I never do I'm scared hes going to brush it off.
I'm not going to tell him my emotions next time, I won't get hurt that way.
I have many regrets now..=/

Me and Master broke up as Girlfriend/Boyfriend only two or three days ago! Less then a week...When we broke up I did not cry but just embraced the new dynamic of our relationship...but that spot is still sensitive to me then today...guess what kitty! I am going to ask elizebeth to be my girlfriend she likes me! I will ask her on christmas eve.. then the memories just came flooding back..christmas eve talking to him and smiling ahhz...I wish I could date him even sending my stupid wish to santa... then christmas day my dreams came true..I was dating him! Those memories..I hold so close to my heart.. even though we already broke...I still keep those memories.. Technically..our aniv was on christmas day.. then when master tells me hes asking elizabeth out it hurt so bad.. like a slap to the face.. did you forget about katie so quickly? did you even love me? how could you move on so quickly.... how could you move on and tell me your dating a fuckky who lives in a diff state.. Thats not fair... you want me to be happy about a "stable" fucky? how stable is someone in a a diff state... am I that stupid? does he only think of hurting me... If he loved her he should have just told me.. if he wanted more fuckys why pick a date he KNOWS holds strong memories for me.. why is he like this? why me?... then when he hurts me the first thing he wants to blame is me.. oh shit..KITTY ITS YOUR FAULT YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND THE DYNAMIC... no master you don't understand your kitty ordering her around looking for the future.. but you never understand your kitty.. always misunderstanding... Master hurt me so much today.. I don't want to talk to him..it's just a game.. Hey ELizabeth, want to hear my ideals of love? It was just a trick.. how could it be a trick.. why does master make me cry so much.. one day I won't fall for his tricks again.. how can he just break up and go out again? how can he just tell me I dont understand the relationship he doesnt even care about my feelings all he cares about is his slave.. but katie has feelings too.. I hate it.. why can't he ever understand... I don't want to talk to him today..heh..."Kitty, your not focused on the relationship" double heart stab...

Wahzzz Broke upz!

To have someone give you control of their body and minds, to be entrusted with the responcability to take care of them, to have someone willing to suffer for you, who forsakes pride and dignity to please you...what other gift in this world can possiably equate to that? And more importantly why do you have the opportunity to be with this slave?

This quote really shows my way of thinking more then anything. I left master on friday we broke up for about four of maybe five hours? I keep thinking about that time, i'm not sure why I keep thinking about it. At the time I felt I was useless, continuing in this relationship is fruitless and will ,only lead to certain unhappiness for my Master. He was far from happy with me, and I was unhappy It went to such an extent I can't believe how unhappy he was...but what really pushed me OVER the edge to break up was master kept saying I was capping his happiness. I wasn't giving up myself to the fullest. The way he said it and kept repeating that he is unhappy just made me think oh wow he does NOT appreciate this relationship at all. Having a slave is a gift, but the thing with this gift is that normal gifts are yours forever. Slaves are not obligated to stay with you forever, I feel I want to be with a Master who treats me as a slave denying me of my rights and using me to the fullest, but I also want to know that at the end of the day my Master appreciates me and he is glad to be with me. That night I felt 1. Master does not love me anymore 2. Master does not appreciate his slave and 3. Master is not happy with the current relationship. Master wishes for me to give up katie things such as expecting him to say jyio and onew singings etc. IDK a part of me feels really sad about having to let go of these things, but whenever I get messages on CM I wonder..Do I have to give up katie for this person? This week I am expirementing with the ideals of giving up Katie and being more kitty, ut increasingly I don't know if I like it? It feels robotic and less personal. Today I got a email with a picture, I said megacute..but Instantly I felt obligated to type sorry. Sorry for caring, sorry for smiling, sorry for loving your picture. Ahzz I don't like being sorry..... I don't like being screamed at for caring I dont understand..how can you dragonz at people who care? how can I just FORGET a part of me? what If I don't want to continue.. what if when I don't want to continue master won't let me go? I don't know what the future holds, but I know by christmas day I will know. Although, Christmas is our aniversary I feel by christmas I will know if i wish to continue in this relationship... Master does not celebrate christmas and he also does not celebrate our Aniver.. so breaking up that day..does he even care? I certinally want to start the year with a clear head. A clear head knowing I am kitty and I belong here.. or a clear head optimistic about the future with another master what the future holds for us is quite unsure, but any choice we make I am sure that we will be happy.

To have someone give you control of their body and minds, to be entrusted with the responcability to take care of them, to have someone willing to suffer for you, who forsakes pride and dignity to please you...what other gift in this world can possiably equate to that? And more importantly why do you have the opportunity to be with this slave?

to me Master is an artist, and kitty his slave is his clay. he uses his whip(dragonz) to mold me. Some will admire his masterpeice he molded. But only the Master not even the slave will realise the true beauty in the art work. Because the beauty lies in the servitude of his slave. I am masters art peice, right now its hard for me we fight often and our values we started with somehow got mixed up. Somehow i think once i think about pleasuring master everyday, at all times of the day things will be easy. My place as a slave is serving him. I need to regain those ideals in my life, those ideals have been flooded with katieness! My path is defined so clearly that it takes my breath away. The path i lead is surely with my master, being his bimbo, his fucktoy, his cuckquean. That path is so beautiful. Under masters orders i have finally found new freedom. The freedom of mind. Although, it does not seem like much i feel this is the diffrence between my expirence and other expirences. there are three types of masters: mediocore, good, excellent and true a mediocore master tells, a good master teaches, an excellent master explains but a true master inspires. My master inspires, a rarity among masters. In the beginning i was fooled by Dominants who were good looking, had charisma and had that "dominant" persona. But it took me a while to realise that these things are easy to create. Real dominance is a deep thing that occurs so deep in the soul, you cant distinguish a domminant by simply looking, you need to look at the heart. Looking into the soul of a dominant you see something special. i cant explain it, during my expirence at miami i looked into his eyes so deeply. His eyes were shining but really i saw my Masters soul. This is real. He has the domminance in is heart. I can say this so confidently, his heart told me everything! It is wrong to judge a good dominant by personae and looks, but its also wrong to judge a slave by her body. A slave must be measured with her soul. Because it is the soul of the slave that is enslaved, the body simply follows. My soul has good intentions, intentions of pleasing my Master with my soul and loving every momemnt of it. I do not want to be a slave seeking reward, but rather a slave who serves unconditionally with no thoughts of rewards. But the ultimate beauty in being a slave is that we dont serve sometimes but we serve all the times. Today i learned what submission is. Submission is not about being used, submission is about being in use. Submission is not about what is being done to you, submission is what you do for others. As a slave I will embark on this journey with these ideals in mine, forever remembering my heart, my soul, my body is controlled by my master and I live to please only him.

cuckquean sluts

heyyz its been a while!~ I'm back!~ But it seems me and master are having trouble again... I wanted to find master a cuckquean slut for him to have for san fran Since he is moving!~ He never ASKED me to go out and find I decided myself A gift to my master:) When I finally find a girl..and she agrees He takes my gift Throws it away And then request I start over Not because somethings wrong with the girl But because he wants to start contradicting himself.. No other cqs knows about me And suddenly he wants others to know about me? His own fucking brother doesn't even know we are even together... I'm his secret His secret he hides to the world So now he turns down my GIFT because he wants to tell the girl about me??? I'm done.. Not finding any fucking girls Not messaging any cqs online He can find his own fucking cqs He can't be so against my honest efforts My honest efforts means SHIT Hah id like him to see anyone else tht would find him a cqs He takes it all for granted He throws away gifts like these gifts are endless No matter what nice words he has to say my opinion won't change I'm done finding cqs online master can do it himself... ~.~

Bwahzz ^_^

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guess where i am?
i am at the train station!
I am going to meet master!
I am never ever ever going to meet him again after this trip
Untill we move in together etc.
Lol I love him..
I love him so much I've gone crazy..
Crazy enough to go out to see him with the little money I have..
Ughhh what will happen on Saturday and Sunday regarding my leave?
I have no clue!
Nor do I wish to think about it!
What happens, happens! No regrets, just having fun!
I hope if something happens that's bad regarding my leave, master won't ditch me alone and blame all shit on me =p
*shrugs* I am not even going to think about anything other then

My first kiss
My first sex expirence
My frist cuddle..
Ahhz so many firsts, its a shame!~!
The first dress I wore for master, is the dress I will wear today..
I hope he remembers it!~
Master requested for me to be in an easy access mini dress without panties!
Right now, I am wearing jeans, but I am changing in 30mins..
Ahh so excited, so nervous ahh!~!~
I wonder if master is jittery thinking about kitty...
I think he really really really loves me..
I can confidently have sex with him knowing he loves me..my first time is with someone I love, who loves me..
I think I'm ready!
Reflecting back shortly on myself, I have so much confidence to do something so risky..
Nobody knows who I am meeting..
And I don't have money..
And I don't have a place to stay other then Master..
I guess, my logic is..if master wanted to kill me he wouldn't invest so much time in me!
And if he happens to be a killer, then I am screwed :p
Ah master wants me to be wet when I'm off the train but my stomach is twisted in so many knots..
Since 3am I've had that omg my first date feeling :p
Lol I did not eat yet, and I don't plan on eating..
My heart is skipping beats..I hope to sleep on the train or I might be awake counting every second that passs by!
So excited that I am trembling!~
How sad.. won't meet him for 5 more hrs
I am going to meet him..
I have no clue if I can withold my energy xD
I hope master is the same person as he is online...
I hope the mostest that after meeting me, master falls more in love! And decides. To move closer, and don't leave for california without me!~~!~! Omg :D *sighs*
Its 45mins to departure..I am gonna do some yoga breathing to relax