On my Knees

Master do no worry
do not worry about your dreams..
your dreams are safe with me..
safe for me to love to cherish and to live my life with your dreams in mind..
don't worry, i'm always happy below you..
I wouldn't trade that place for anything in the world!~
I'm going to try my best to be someone your proud to call fuckmeat
Some people say trophy wife, but I think the correct term for us is trophy fuckmeat!~
Not because we aren't married now, but because  I want to be the lowest in your heart..
I hope in your heart you can see me growing into the image of trophy fuckmeat
I know with my heart I will love being your fuckmeat because there is no other place for me except for the bottom of your heart!~ the warmest place to be!! :)
Sometimes I say trust me..and it dosn't turn out too good. please trust my heart.. I'm speaking with the most honnesty as I can..a blog where I'm pouring out my feelings..
You might feel like i'm wavering but please..please just listen to my heart
It's here waiting for you :)
On my knees I'm saying..I'm thankful to have you!
With all my heart I want to be your fuckmeat your cuckquean your everything!
I'm here to stay!
Through the thick and the thin me and master has been through it all!~
soon we will reach a turning point in our relationship in only 7months!
I think..this day is very IMPORTANT because it marks the day where my life will be changed forever..
I hope it's also a day where we can talk to a lawyer about signing over rights to my master
So he can own me I wonder whats the rules on that..
The day I met my master..I think I knew my life was going to change
not everyone finds a perfect love story online..
but I never found a perfect love story..
I found a kinky erotic loving master!~
I love him
I appreciate him..
he inspires me to be better
to do my best
he believes in me
he pushes me!
he is there for me when I'm in my darkest hour..
and for those reasons I know that I don't want to leave him ever..
I know that in the future somethings he does to me might be painful, but I know he does it out of good will, for his happiness..and for that i smile :)
I'm really lucky..
sometimes at night when I think about how lucky I am it just inspires me to do my best!
Masteer doesn't care about my major..
nor my hair..
or the kind of gadgets I have..
he cares about his happiness! and I can do that
I always write about wanting to make sure master has the biggest smile :)
I can't wait to come back and write how big his smile was!~
I know his heart smiles too..
smiling knowing I'm getting lower and lower...
I smile too because I know where my place is :)
my place is on my knees..
and it feels good :)

The pursuit of Masters Happiness..

Being with Master I've been thinking many about what is a slavery about?
Me and Master talked about the future, and I agreed to continue down the path of lowering myself more. We are both still working on having a cuckquean this weekend, I imagine sleeping on the floor, even though the bed is big enough for all three of us. I feel having a cuckquean this weekend would be a perfect ending to our storybook weekend!~

Being a slave means I need to give up my freedom to my master..
the freedom to make my own decisions
the freedom to declare that I should be a monogamous relationship with him..
Truthfully I feel really happy being in a relationship that has another girl or girl(S) in the picture.
Assuming he is happy and free of any diseases.


As a slave it is my goal
my duty to ensure that my  master is happy
Losing that sense of myself that still thinks about my own happiness..
Sometimes I struggle between wanting my own happiness and his.
When I think about having my friends fuck my master
I get so embarrassed, so angry..so horny
and it's hard to explain that mix of horny, happy and embarrassed..
embarrassed because I want this?
embarrassed because I set this up?
sometimes I just feel lonely
because I feel like the only cuckquean in the world..
the only slave who dreams of giving her rights away signing it over to my master
the only slave who genuinely dreams of making her master happy..
solitude is a beautiful thing..
solitude reminds me of my heart..
the heart that beats fuck meat fuck meat fuckmeat..
the heart that yearns for a chastity belt
yearns to be locked up while master fucks another girl..
my heart..that simply can't be explained...

I titled my title for this blog the pursuit of masters happiness..
the pursuit because it wont come easily
It's going to be a long struggle..
Getting HH boobs..my parents will protest
my friends might be confused..
strangers immediately will look at me with wonder and lust or even disgust
who would manipulate their body like that?? they might think..
who would? someone like me who is just pursing the dreams of another person
The perfect slave do you believe in it?
Do you believe you can truly manufacture a slave to your ideals?
Her mind molded by you
Her body molded by you
Your wants/ wishes desires truly in her heart?
Do you believe in it?
Do you believe it's possible to mold a slaves body, mind and soul?
I believe in it
I want to be that slave..
the slave master can mold..
I don't believe I will suddenly be PERFECT and never ever make a mistake
but I believe I can do my best to make my master happy
the pursuit of masters happiness is the path for me.. :)
and with this blog... I hope to record my pursuit

Pop Pop Pop Away!

It's been a long time since I've blogged!
 To be honest I really miss blogging, it was an outlet.
Me and Master are celebrating our 2 year slave anniversary soon.
To celebrate for the weekend we are trying to plan to have a girl over so he can fuck and I can be his cuckquean whore! I'm not sure if those plans will work out like I wanted, but I hope that everything will go smoothly.

 Today, I woke up really hungry, I just wanted to eat breakfast or have a snack before we get lunch. Master told me I'm not allowed to have snacks, not allowed to eat breakfast only two meals I can eat. Lunch and Dinner..At that momment, I felt like the saddest person on the planet, not because I can't eat but because my boyfriend my master..sounds more like my father. I'm not allowed to eat snacks? I can't eat breakfast? I'm hungry so hungry that my stomach hurts and my head is light, and all you can say is snacks are bad...
 Do I want to be with this person forever?
Do I want to never be able to eat snacks?
why?
 because I'm fat..
 because I'm unhealthy..
he keep reminding me that he thinks all these negative things about me..

If I want to eat snacks..I can't with him
If I want breakfeast I cant..
 Because I'm fat and it's a GOOD thing if my stomach hurts from being hungry

 Today Me and Master had a date day.. but to me I would call it date FAIL We ate good at hooters... but when we went to the movies i SO badly craved popcorn.. because it's one of the aspects of the theaters I LOVE the most the crunchy popcorn sticky buttery hands eating during the scary parts it's my fav part.. it did not have to be a large popcorn because I just ate
but a $3 small popcorn would be fine.. I BEGGED for popcorn please please please..... Even though I know I just ate I made that choice.. I BEGGED..PLEASE.. It's something I really REALLY wanted and in the end..I never got popcorn even though he looked into my sad eyes heard my sad sighs saw me look with my eyes big at others with popcorn.. Why don't I just buy my own popcorn?~!~?!?! Well..I only have $3 in my account.. not enough to buy popcorn or buy myself breakfast earlier.. When we walking out the movie.. I looked at my hand..and thought.. do i WANT to be with master for the rest of my life?

DO I WANT to live my life like this?
He worries about me nonstop he screams at me everyday and sometimes.
.love just getting further away love turns into punishment..
dates turn into sadness..
wishing I could be someone else wishing kitty could be ANOTHER girl who would suffer through these things..

I just want to feel NORMAL at this point..
I DON'T like this feeling
I DON'T want to feel like this..
I DON'T want to feel like this forever
my master feels like my DAD not my boyfriend not my master but my FATHER
someone who I don't like much someone who try's hard..but in the end is lost My master is lost.. in the process of trying to get my healthy has has LOST what slavery is.. has LOST the sparkle that I Had in my eyes.. because now..I don't know It's only popcorn only snacks only breakfast but to me..it represents the larger picture it represents how my life shall be in the future.. without money unable to do anything.. I'm going to be in pain.. going to be hungry going to be sad.. This is what master is trying to show me.. and I don't think I want to feel this forever it's our 2 years soon.. But I hope he understands WHY I'm a slave..WHY hes a master.. It's not about making me cry or making me starve.. not about making me sad.. I just want to feel normal..


 I found this online quite fitting..

I am your Master only after earning your trust and I embrace your submissiveness. I have looked into your heart and mind, and clearly see your desires and passions. You have thrown away your desires and passions. You have thrown away your fears and inhibitions. You tell me of the needs of your heart and body. You have given me total access to your soul, and I accept the responsibility and honor. You are a woman. You are not weak or inferior because of it. You are a treasure to be cherished. We are not equal. I have the strength of body and mind and the instinctive need to protect, possess, defend, and provide for you. You are a woman and instinctively stronger of will and heart. Your belief in me gives me courage and direction. Your strength disperses my doubt.

You are sure, strong, and proud in your womanhood. You do not submit as acceptance of inferiority, but from strength and passion. You expect a man to stand strong and be a man. You desire and flourish in the strength and control of a man. In return you present control of your body, unqualified trust and honesty, and the faithfulness of your heart. You submit because I have earned your trust. Because I have opened my heart and soul to you. Because I have listened to your word with my ears and heart and have learned to anticipate your needs and emotions. And because I have proven worthy in your eyes, you have given me the only true treasure of life; you have given me dominance over you. What you give is not abnormal, but pure, natural, and the rarest gift a woman can give a man. You have given me complete and unshakable assurance of your commitment to me. Your submissiveness is a magnificent gift and sacred responsibility. I accept this from you with humility and joy. I understand the rarity and purity of this gift.

I recognize it is your body, mind, and soul. I dominate you only because you have allowed me to, and when I see your body kneel before me in my mind and heart, you are raised above all other women and all the treasures of the earth.

Within the bounds of our relationship…it is my duty to protect you, and that you will know, that under my care; NO harm will come to you as a result of actions taken by Me..or you that is my responsibility, to protect you..from yourself if necessary. What you give freely cannot in reality be bought.

TRANNY VS KITTY

Ahh been a long time!~ Actually, I've been super busy Me and my Master I feel are in rocky waters.. He wanted to teach me how to write better..his ideal of a writing assignment is a UNCLEAR poorly written topic with a limited word limit. Then when I ask for extension he says no, I ask for rewritten topic he says nope..only because hes pretending to be a badd ass teacher..like are you supposed to HELP me? or are you supposed to show me that teachers don't give a fuck about you? So i decided..fuck it! I'm not writing shit My master is thinking about becoming a tranny right now he is super serious about it but what I found ironic is his methods.. I haven't been talking to him much because master annoys me since when did my master start to annoy me? I only give him coldness ok,yeha,mm,ok,ok,ok,ok,ok,ok does it matter? does what I say matter? I felt like such an idiot today.. I waited for him to come back from dinner!~ So I decided to shop for birthday gifts.. I want to spend a lot of money this time then I'm shopping and shopping and shopping!~ then yayy I found what I want! then soon master comes back so I'm really yays inside but cold outside and then hes like we need to talk! so naturally I'M EXCITED i can tell him excactly how i feel then like less then 2mins later.. he ditches me to go with a tranny like it was like this- Tranny. Can't talk then suddenly he wants me to support him so he askes me... DON'T I UNDERSTAND HOW IMPORTANT THIS IS TO ME?!? no how the hell am I supposed to know? You havent talked to me since you came to taiwan I stay up all night all day waiting for oyu and you ditch me over and over and over and over again fine your on vacation do whatever the shit you want but I'm done waiting I'm not going to be online anymore I'm sick of this.. even master said about my essay-he MIGHT comment on it you seriously want to put all my fucking heart into a paper and you might comment on how I did? tough ass professor? if I wanted to summarize how I feel about this.. I feel like since master has tranny friends he doesn't need anyone anymore not a kitty nope don't need a kitty? then fine I will find someone who WANTS a kitty how can you even froget about the person who was there since day 1 This is excactly what always happens to me..

Last Post

I really have grown attached to blogging
I have been blogging for about a year?
^__^ sometimes I really like posting
I really enjoyed being with my master
He really is great
I was really fooled though I thought our relationship was based on truths
but, I found out it's based on a lie
just a game..I wish It wasn't like this, I wish it was real..
but, this is my last post.
I broke up with my Master today.
I don't want to be with someone who doesn't care about my feelings.
I don't wantt to be with someone who is so one-sided.
Even Though I am leaving, my heart doesn't want to go.
I keep hoping he will come on gtalk
hoping he will be on fb chat
hoping we can chat!
But, the truth is..I already blocked him on all social media.
He won't be coming to chat, he won't be recieving a goodmorning from me..
because the truth is..it wasn't real
We werent real..
I thought...he was my Oppa
My Friend...
My Master!
but, it wasn't real..he was just playing around the whole time..
real friends, don't stop caring..
real oppas, are always there for you
real Masters, protect you from everything! even yourself
I'm not sure what hurts more?
looking at this blog and all our memories, and thinking damm..it wasnt real
he was just playing a game just pretending..
or thinking that I won't be with him anymore..who's going to write him plane emails? who's going to be his bimbo? who's going to make him happy?
It hurts...it hurts so fucking bad that I don't know what to do..
I've been fooled, and thrown away like garbage..
I wasn't special, he never cared about my emotions..
I foolishly...graduated early in hopes of seeing him..
foolishly believed him..
and I was hurt last night, hurt beyond belief..
when the world just sucks, I always though he would be there
but he's not.. he wasn't
he wasn't in the mood to play the "game"
so he happily fell asleep not once thinking..am I ok?
not once wondering..how I feel..
not once caring
simply because I told him not to care..
really?
when your sad..do you even know what to say?
I did not want to make his day suck..so I wanted to tell him later..
I called him and he hung up on the first ring..I called maybe 5 times?
I texted him but he never replied..
I blogged and I doubt he even read
I messaged him on gtalk...without any responce..
Finally when I call at 1am he says hes sleeping and doesn't care because I told him not to care.


me: ::

Ignoring Kitty...


Sent at 3:04 AM on Tuesday


Conh: im asleep


me: Ok

You just dodged me all day


Sent at 3:09 AM on Tuesday


Conh: i didn't


me: I called 4 times you hung up on first ring every time I sent many message no reply

I sent 3 texts no reply


Conh: you told me specifically not to care

and I'm not here to play games


me: Ok

Your right


Conh: if you want me to care tell me yes


Conh: don't say no and expect me


me: Oo

I get it

Conh: then don't do it again


I'm not going to play games with him anymore
Since he doesn't care about me anymore
I'm leaving
I'm going to be happy with someone else
I'm going to make someoneeleses dreams come true
I'm not going to be a "game" anymore
I'm not going to be just garbage anymore..
I'm going to be someone he only uses..
not once have I ever NOT wrote a plane email.
NOT once have I ever said no to entertainment emails
NOT once have I ever said NO to something he wanted..
is it even fair to treat me like this?
I'm going to be the BEST.
I'm not a game you can play when you feel
I'm not garbage you can just throw away like nothing.
I'm going to be the best doctor, the best slave, the best...
I won't let anyone treat me like a game anymore.
I won't be someone's garbage anymore.
I'm happy for all the support this blog has given me :)
Fighting ^_^

I am so sad today
I'm always hurt
Master stopped caring because I said so
I shouldn't be sad anymore
I will smile and be happy
I.cut so many times
tomorrow its official
I'm sad that its like this
I just need to take care of myself
I'm always being neglected and abused
I just want to go
I'm going back into my depression cycles
I can tell
master is a part of the cycle
I want and fail at everything
I can't match up
Its time to quit
who wants a Kitty who can't feel?

^_^ yayy photos

I am becoming more independent and strong!
My master said, that it is called a lion!
I am strong, independent and bold!
I was given a choice on friday, be meak and hide in the corner or be strong and fight for my rights!
I chose to be strong, while my other friend in the same situation was meakly and weak. I felt sad, I wished she would have stood up for her rights also!
I am becoming strong, that makes me happy.
I feel like, as a person overall I am growing.
I am perservering, working harder and above all learning how to love?
I am so afraid of love!
I know..it wouldn't seem like that?
But, I keep doubting myself..
why would he love a girl like me?
why would he want a fat girl?
a girl who can't write?
a gril who read 10 grammar books?
a girl who isn't his style?
why would he want ME?!?!?!?!
I doubt it so much that inside it destroys me!
I'm used to being with a guy that loves me
but I have never been in a relationship where the love is so special..
I feel bad..
I wish that he didn't fall in love with ME..
I wished he loved someone beautiful
someone skinny
somone with long hair
someone with beautifull eyes, and clear skin
someone that he deserves to be with..
I think I am below his range..
I rate master as a 9 (with long hair) but 8.5 (with short hair)
but, I am only a 4 meh..too below him..
I don't know why he loves me?
but I guess all I can say is thank you?
here is some girls I feel suits him